We're Sorry

To our 3 followers out there. Correction, that was a bit overstated. To our 1 follower, please forgive us for being MIA the past 2 weeks. With the Christmas season and other pressing obligations, we were unable to post anything. Rest assure however, we are back and fully charged to bring you a blog with nothing of substance, just the way you like it.

Coon 2: Hindsight
Tags: SOUTH
PARKEric Cartman,more...

Yes

John Is Dead

I need another moral lecture from John Lennon like I need a bullet in my head. Don Bordeaux astutely points this out in his article posted on Cafe Hayek:

http://cafehayek.com/2010/12/john-lennon.html

But for all you people out there who love a good Beatles crying session, there's some good news for you! This breaking story from The Onion  will afford you the perfect opportunity to feel wounded and look like you are carrying a heavy burden, despite not even knowing the person who has passed.


Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral

Hopefully someone that you want to impress with your deep emotions will be watching. Quick! Someone is dying! Let's pretend we are personally effected and jump on the sad band wagon!

Who Says Journalism Is Dead?

Is this not the creepiest thing ever? Or is it awesome? I can't decide.

And as usual, Les Miles is cool under pressure.

Some Christmas Spirit For You

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy with Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly from Will Ferrell

Good Tune of the Week

Merry Christmas

Punk'd

Someone is getting back at Ashton Kutcher for getting punk'd, right? His agent? David Spade? Zach Braff? It has to be somebody, because that is the only way to explain Kutcher's recent career choices. His Nikon camera commercials are offensive.



Is there a bigger tool? Have people finally realized how terrible he is and decided to not give him anymore jobs? I guess the recession also hits Hollywood, because this is the worst collection of commercials out there, he must have nothing else to do. It's more pathetic than Bruce Willis' acting in Surrogates, not that good acting would have made that crap shoot any better. Clearly, he's just collecting a pay check. But there are several things that bother me about Ashton, and this commercial was just the tipping point.

Bruce did the movie for the
 incredible plot...and the free head rug.

First off, his name is Ashton. What were his parents thinking? They didn't even give the poor kid a chance, he was destined to become a tool. It would be like naming your son Jeeves; he would have no choice but to be a butler. But I'm probably letting him off the hook a little bit with the name thing because after all, it wasn't his fault. However, everything in his life subsequent to his naming is definitely all Ashton.

I'm ridiculing his terrible commercials, but it's not like he had a great career before that. That 70's Show had it's moments, but it was in spite of Kutcher. He wasn't even acting, he was just being himself: a dumb loser. If it wasn't for Laura Prepon (Donna), he would have been the worst character on the show ( I would have given it to him, but Donna is just to hard to look at). After his incredible performance on the sitcom, he made the jump to the big screen, staring in box office hits like The Butterfly Effect and The Guardian. (Don't tell anyone, but I actually found The Guardian watchable. But seriously, I never said that). Those were some of the the most bj movies ever produced. I can't even get started on The Butterfly Effect, what a piece of trash.

Good choice, Ashton.

Finally, in an incredible move, Ashton decides to marry Demi Moore. Yeah, she was hot, but about 30 years ago when she wasn't collecting her social security benefits. I imagined that his honeymoon went something like the scene in The Shining, when Jack Nicholson started making out with the bath tub chick in Room 237, only to have her turn into Willie Nelson mid-kiss. Oops! For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why he would marry a woman 20 years older than him. But as I was brooding about it, I finally realized something. I think Ashton knows how much he sucks, so he made a good business decision and married someone that could provide for him when he would inevitably be unemployable.

So I guess from that perspective, Ashton was being smart. But he's still a complete Hollywood loser. Nikon should drop him because there is no way having Ashton as the face of their product boosts sales. In fact, it may hurt, because I for one will never buy one of their cameras. Suck one, Ashton.

Welcome!

I would like to congratulate Josh McDaniels for finally joining the club and becoming an economic statistic with the rest of us. The former Bronco's head coach was laid off after two miserable seasons in Denver. What did you expect from a kicker?

Good Tune of the Week

Gotta love Q-Tip

A Black Friday Steal

Christmas comes early. Talk about an awesome stocking stuffer. Be sure to get one before they're sold out. First 1,000 buyers get a complementary flannel shirt and a 4th grade reading level.

Happy Thanksgiving

Have one on me, PETA.

Monthly Clip from an Underrated College Movie

Good Tune of the Week

Classic Bee Gees. Go ahead and listen, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

For more music check out Harold's music blog at http://gnarlia.blogspot.com/

"I like to be part of the solution and not part of the problem!"

Is there a more pretentious commercial out there than Nissan's Hybrid commercial featuring a polar bear?

I'm all for the environment, but I cannot stand these douche bags who buy Hybrids and think they are better than everyone. It's some how more smug than a George Clooney speech (http://pooralumni.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-pompous-planet.html) . It just screams elitism.

 First of all, those cars are really expensive. Not everyone can afford a car that costs almost $20,000 more than your average POS, only the enlightened liberal pussies who live on their parents trust fund. Secondly, just because you're an environmentalist does not make you a good person. In fact, it probably makes you a worse person. I can't tell you how many times I would walk through my alma mater and have some sexually-questionable girl tell me how I'm a bad person for not eating tofu burgers. These kind of people are the first ones to jump on an activist bandwagon, and the last ones to hold a door for you. How can you say that, Karl?! They're looking out for our future! They do yoga! They listen to the Decemberists! No, they're assholes who think they know what's best for everyone. It's people like them that are ruining the country. According to them, everything is relative, except the environment. 

Poor, defenseless creatures.

Another thing that really puts sticks in my craw is the polar bear. Everyone seems to be complaining about the poor polar bear dying because of the melting ice caps. Oh no! How am I going to get to work tomorrow?? (Thanks Adam). Lets be clear; it's a fact that the climate is changing. It's not a fact that we have anything to do with it. Most likely, we have nothing to do with it. The climate has been changing for billions of years for reasons like solar flares and plate tectonic movements. How can we say that because I drive a Buick Station Wagon, I'm causing the demise of the planet? We can't even predict tomorrows weather for certain, let alone next century's. It's BS, so don't try to make me feel bad that the polar bears are dying. Things die. It's a fact of life. Dinosaurs died. Dodo birds died. Ted Kennedy died (Too soon? Yeah, I didn't think so either). I had nothing to do with it so stop shoving it down my throat.

Furthermore, if we're really worried about animals going extinct, why not celebrate the booming fish and seal population in the Arctic. Now that the polar bears are being offed, the seals and fish can prosper without the interference of the carnivorous polar bears. Seems to me like there's a bit of a double standard. The fact is, it's nature. There's nothing we can do about it and trying to interfere would be unnatural.

Bearmanpig!!

Finally, let's be honest here. If that bear really traveled all the way from the North Pole, it would be famished. The first thing it would do is eat. The guy with the gay blue car and promise ring from his boyfriend would get ripped into pieces. The bear would tear his head off and eat through his neck. Fact. Everyone has this vision of polar bears as cuddly little stuffed animals. You want an inconvenient truth? That polar bear would grind that tools bones into dust and then go inside and eat his collection of cats.

So this is my message to all of you green-going pricks out there: stop telling me what to do. You don't know better than I do about my life so stop trying to be my moral conditioner. If you want to drive your Hybrid, drink out of your nalgene bottle, read the Rolling Stone, talk about Al Gore, and defer from showering, be my guest. Just leave me alone. I don't like any of you.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

Hey, it could be worse...

Congratulations!

I just wanted to be the first to welcome Brad Childress to the unemployed community. Don't worry, Brad. With your credentials, I'm sure you'll find a suitable job very soon.





Marvin Lewis, we're waiting for you.

Again, Thank You South Park

I know it's old, but seconds 0:22 through 0:47 make my life complete.

The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Craigslist Pick of the Week

Water Tester

---

Date: 2010-11-11, 8:51AM CST
Reply to: see below

---

Now Hiring
Water Testers
$2,000-3,000 to start
$4,000-5,000 Second Year
No experience necessary
H.S./College Preferred
Management opportunities
Will Train
Call
785-266-8440

It's official: the recession in Kansas is over. One of the most important economic indicators that analysts look at to gauge the direction of the economy is the Water Tester-to-Laborer Ratio. It shows the amount of people employed as a water tester per person eligible for work. When its down, we're in trouble. When it's up; bull market, baby. 

OK, I'll stop. There is no such thing as a Water Tester Ratio. I don't even know what a water tester is. In fact, I'm pretty sure the person who posted this job doesn't know what a water tester is. Where is the description? Is it really just someone who sits around drinking water and giving his opinion on it? If so, it sounds like the best job ever. You get paid a couple thousand dollars to get hydrated and tell people about it. 

You don't even need any experience! I just don't understand the education requirements and the training aspect. What possible education could one person have that would make someone better at this job? And what kind of "training" would you actually have to do? I'm pretty sure a fairly retarded dog could do this job, just ask Sarah Jessica Parker.

Water testing in Kansas is no walk in the park.

Well as you can see, I've been thinking about what this job actually is for way to long. I had to know. So, I did what any good researcher would do; looked it up on Wikipedia. What I found was astounding. I didn't realize just how dangerous water testing could be. Apparently in 2000, Bruce Willis' character from the movie Unbreakable tried to be a water tester, and the experiment almost ended as badly as the movie. Two years later, water testing employers began to outsource their labor. They employed the aliens from Signs and again, the results were disastrous (what does M. Night Shyamala have against water anyway?).

Since then, the water testing industry has been desperate to find people willing to risk their life to sip some water. I guess this is why the author of the post choose not to fill anyone in on the job description. It's just another ploy by the white man trying to get a buck at my expense. They can't earn money the honest way so they have to lure people in my economically shaky position to risk my neck to test their damn water. Those sons-a-bitches. Man, if Bruce Springsteen was here, he'd put a stop to these corporate fat cats. I'm boycotting this abusive industry; I'm never drinking water again.

Hope, Change, Chia Pets

Yes, this is an actual commercial promoting an actual product. If I needed anymore reasons to not like Obama, this is the clincher. There's almost too much to say. First of all, the fact that Obama is being compared to Lincoln and Washington is like comparing Shia LaBeouf in Wall Street 2 to Charlie Sheen in the original. It's an atrocity. I'm offended that there are people in this world who would even think that, let alone express that opinion via Chia Pet.

Bud "Effin" Fox

Let's do a little SAT practice. Lincoln is to Obama as The Godfather is to...Yep, you guessed it: Waterworld. "Hope and Prosperity"???? Where! I'm as unemployed as David Spade, where the hell is my hope and prosperity?? And since when did hope and prosperity become the criteria for being enshrined in a Chia Pet? Washington founded the nation, Lincoln freed the slaves, and Obama...hoped for prosperity? If we were a nation accustomed to celebrating good intentions and wishful thinking, every one would be driving a Segway. "Well it seemed like a good idea!"

And what the hell is a Chia Pet anyway? Are those things really still around? In a world of iPhones, GPS, and Crocs, how are these things still relevant? And what cruel, cruel bastard is going to give that to someone as a gift on Christmas? Scarier still, there actually will be someone who think's that's a good idea. I have to stop because honestly, words can no longer express the fury I feel.

I hate you Shia LaBeouf. I really hate you.

"All the News That's Fit to Print"

This has to be breaking the limits on The Unintentional Comedy Scale.

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/boehner-gives-freshmen-more-goodies/


And this too.