"I like to be part of the solution and not part of the problem!"

Is there a more pretentious commercial out there than Nissan's Hybrid commercial featuring a polar bear?

I'm all for the environment, but I cannot stand these douche bags who buy Hybrids and think they are better than everyone. It's some how more smug than a George Clooney speech (http://pooralumni.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-pompous-planet.html) . It just screams elitism.

 First of all, those cars are really expensive. Not everyone can afford a car that costs almost $20,000 more than your average POS, only the enlightened liberal pussies who live on their parents trust fund. Secondly, just because you're an environmentalist does not make you a good person. In fact, it probably makes you a worse person. I can't tell you how many times I would walk through my alma mater and have some sexually-questionable girl tell me how I'm a bad person for not eating tofu burgers. These kind of people are the first ones to jump on an activist bandwagon, and the last ones to hold a door for you. How can you say that, Karl?! They're looking out for our future! They do yoga! They listen to the Decemberists! No, they're assholes who think they know what's best for everyone. It's people like them that are ruining the country. According to them, everything is relative, except the environment. 

Poor, defenseless creatures.

Another thing that really puts sticks in my craw is the polar bear. Everyone seems to be complaining about the poor polar bear dying because of the melting ice caps. Oh no! How am I going to get to work tomorrow?? (Thanks Adam). Lets be clear; it's a fact that the climate is changing. It's not a fact that we have anything to do with it. Most likely, we have nothing to do with it. The climate has been changing for billions of years for reasons like solar flares and plate tectonic movements. How can we say that because I drive a Buick Station Wagon, I'm causing the demise of the planet? We can't even predict tomorrows weather for certain, let alone next century's. It's BS, so don't try to make me feel bad that the polar bears are dying. Things die. It's a fact of life. Dinosaurs died. Dodo birds died. Ted Kennedy died (Too soon? Yeah, I didn't think so either). I had nothing to do with it so stop shoving it down my throat.

Furthermore, if we're really worried about animals going extinct, why not celebrate the booming fish and seal population in the Arctic. Now that the polar bears are being offed, the seals and fish can prosper without the interference of the carnivorous polar bears. Seems to me like there's a bit of a double standard. The fact is, it's nature. There's nothing we can do about it and trying to interfere would be unnatural.

Bearmanpig!!

Finally, let's be honest here. If that bear really traveled all the way from the North Pole, it would be famished. The first thing it would do is eat. The guy with the gay blue car and promise ring from his boyfriend would get ripped into pieces. The bear would tear his head off and eat through his neck. Fact. Everyone has this vision of polar bears as cuddly little stuffed animals. You want an inconvenient truth? That polar bear would grind that tools bones into dust and then go inside and eat his collection of cats.

So this is my message to all of you green-going pricks out there: stop telling me what to do. You don't know better than I do about my life so stop trying to be my moral conditioner. If you want to drive your Hybrid, drink out of your nalgene bottle, read the Rolling Stone, talk about Al Gore, and defer from showering, be my guest. Just leave me alone. I don't like any of you.