More World Series Coverage

Gamechangers Ep 3: A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria from Hank Azaria

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

In the spirit of Halloween and our favorite Fear Fest.

A Real Funnie Video

Don't steal movies

So I am doing my daily look around the internet see whats going down. And I began reading an article about Limewire being shut down by a court injunction. I realize the problem here in stealing music and movies and I understand it is a crime, and I was fully on board with the argument until I saw this video that was also featured in the article.

I mean is this a serious animation to get kids to stop downloading the latest Sisqo song. You have got to be kidding me. It shows this guy just bashing some old woman's face in and stealing her purse, that is not on the same level as downloading "I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry" off of Limewire, I'm sorry it just isn't. And by the way, BP Execs are ok to spill Oil Tankers in the ocean and potentially ruin the environment, but kids don't steal movies.

New Microsoft Office Program

Overacting #2

Another disgusting display of overacting, this time by perennial douchebag Sean Penn. Spicoli may be spending too much time traveling to the Middle East, interviewing Castro, and hanging out with Hugo Chavez. When he's not being a hippie activist or playing Harvey Milk, Penn is screaming about his dead daughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx7jtL41Bts&feature=related

Why America is Dumb

So after reading my good friend Karl's piece on the fiery vixen known as Hannah Storm, I was intrigued and began researching important schematics, charts, and beakers to really examine the attractive female reporter. And although my hypothesis has changed I have reached a critical reason for why Americans are dumb. Have you ever been channel surfing through the weird channels you never watch just in case there is a possible re run of Fresh Prince of Bel Air or a Saved by the Bell you never saw, I know me too. Well have you ever stumbled across foreign news outlets, I have, and what have you noticed? Exactly they have some ridiculously hot chick reporting the news. I even watch for a few minutes because I am captivated by this syren, I don't understand a word she is saying but she fills out a blouse better than most. I mean if this could capture my attention then what about people from that country, I mean they got to be glued to that news broadcast cause they can even get news out of it. I mean I love America I am not saying that I don't, I would never say that, I bleed red, white, and blue. My name is Howard, thats American. But after investigation of my news channels, I don't want to look at Al Roker, Barbara Walters really doesn't do it for me, and Ted Koppel really only got my blood going once (it was an in depth piece on breasts, and guns, and nascar, and beer, and a lot of other stuff men like) I understand there is the occasional hot local weather girl, but thats not capturing my attention for the full time, and I see ESPN working in hot chicks, but they don't even need to. They broadcast SPORTS. I will watch it if they have Oprah Winfrey reporting a game naked spread eagle smearing butter all over herself. So hopefully we will copy other countries blueprints for successful news, and just start putting hot girls as anchors on broadcasts to up the viewer numbers. And included are some newscasters that other countries have.

It's Anchorman, Not Anchorlady!

http://deadspin.com/5674919/the-people-have-spoken-and-they-have-said-hannah-storm-always-dresses-mad-slutty-lol


Our friends at Deadspin really hit the nail on the head here. Ever since the Kornhesier episode last year, I've been following Hannah and her provocative dress. More often than not, she is dressed like she's looking for a good time. Even her last name is sweet, although after some extensive research on Wikipedia I discovered that "Storm" is only her stage name, and her actual last name is "Storen", significantly uglier. (Sidenote: Sage Steele's name is actually Sage Steele. That is so awesome).

I guess people can say whatever they want about her, but at the end of the day, she's a big reason why I still watch Sports Center.

More Halloween Inspiration

Jack Nicholson has a demon. The guy's a total legend. I don't know why but I'm loving the Shining right now.

Dream Job

So last night as I lay in bed I thought to myself what a dream job would be, as I do on most unemployed nights of mine. After attending boarding school and college my amount of friends around my home have diminished and I am left a lot of time to myself to ponder what really would be the best job I could ever dream of. I have dreamed of every job I have thought how great it would be to work in the entertainment business or how cool the sports world is. All these are so alluring with the money and the glitz and the glamour. But recently, I have been thinking of a job that goes unnoticed and doesn't come with all the bright lights. I have been thinking of course of a job with a television program yet a much more behind the scenes guy. I am talking about no other than the bait used for Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator." I know what your saying to yourself, "How does that seem like a dream job, you talk to perverts!" And my response is yes, I have to throw out a couple A/S/L? to some weird guys who live in their parents basement. But do you realize how much you could screw with these complete weirdos with over instant message. Like you could literally ask these guys to show up at your house with a 1992 Geo Metro filled with cream cheese and monkey shit in it and they're most likely going to be right over with that order. Like come on people I'd even throw in some grocery items and most likely some beer. Like if they think they'll be boozing some kid up for sex they'll probably have their mom run them over to your house even quicker. These are all great positives, but I think the icing on the cake would be the look on this dudes face when he's all pumped cause he thinks he's about to be getting away with all these illicit acts, the BOOM he walks into the house to find a 23 year old unemployed man just sitting there enjoying some Captain Crunch. Like that look alone would just complete this dream job. So I mean if NBC wants to throw me some bones I'll start hitting up the chat rooms pronto!

What Should You Do? Check Your Premises

If you haven’t seen it yet, check out Nike’s new commercial with Lebron James.

Damn Lebron, you’re really throwing a lot out there. Let’s break it down. Throughout the commercial Lebron asks “What should I do?” and continues in that vein, asking other related questions. At first, he seems apologetic, posing questions like “Should I admit that I’ve made mistakes?”, and then, in a more specific way involving Cleveland, asking “Should I tell you how much fun we had?” as his Witness banner is torn down.

But then LBJ seems to get defiant. He raises the questions whether he should think his reputation is tarnished, if he should play the villain, if he’s after money, or rings; and in the process he rips Sir Charles Barkley (due to comments made by Barkley about Lebron last summer), mocking Chaz’s early 90’s “I’m not a role model” commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMzdAZ3TjCA ).

Then he changes gears and sarcastically offers solutions to the issue, suggesting he should try acting, sell shoes, or simply disappear. Finally he wraps up with the clincher… “Should I be who you want me to be?”.

Bravo Lebron. That commercial was pretty entertaining (as Nike’s usually are). You stood your ground, defended yourself, made my main man Charles Barkley look like an a-hole, and basically said “I’m King James, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. You don’t own me.” In that respect, he’s absolutely right. It was his choice to leave Cleveland. After all, the only reason he was there was because some ping pong ball in a draft lottery in 2003 happened to land on the Cavs. He doesn’t owe them a thing.

But what Lebron doesn’t understand, and where the commercial fails, is that no one hates him for leaving Cleveland (except for Cleveland fans, but who cares about them, their city really does suck. Check out this tourist video if you don’t believe me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM )

A la Atlas Shrugged, if there’s a contradiction in your reasoning, check your premises. Lebron believes people hated him for leaving Cleveland, but they hate him for the way he did it, not because he left. He dragged not only the Cavs, but a dozen other teams, along all summer, tantalizing them with his potential interest in signing, only to burn them in his unbelievably arrogant and obnoxious “Decision” (although a lot of blame for that has to be given to his agents and managers. What team of monkey’s is guiding his life?). Regardless, you could see that he just loved the attention and limelight. Weighing his options you say? Go-Fish. He knew he was leaving Cleveland and it was obvious New York and New Jersey weren’t going to be picked. He was like the hot chick at the bar, flirting with dudes to get free drinks, knowing full well she’s going to go home to her husband. And because of the way he handled his free agency, he lost a lot of fans, particularly in the Midwest. As Bill Simmons said, Lebron better wipe the blood from his knife after he pulls it out of Cleveland’s back.

Check your premises Lebron, people don’t hate you for leaving. They hate you for the same reason you held that hour long “Decision”; for the same reason you made this new commercial; and the same reason I doubt you’ll get a ring. It’s because you’re arrogant. Once you reconcile that contradiction in your reasoning, maybe you’ll win back some hearts. But sorry “King”, the commercial didn’t work. The blood’s still dripping.

Obesity? A Thing of the Past

A 2009 study done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveal that "self-reported obesity prevalence in the United States was 26.7%." 2.67 out of every 10 people consider themselves obese (another 20% are obese as well, but they choose to eat their feelings and continue believing that they were 20 pounds underweight). Women in the nation accounted for almost 19% of the obese population, especially disturbing considering the amount of women who throw up after a dinner of spinach leaves and water.

The overweight problem in America is one of the leading causes of terrible ailments such as heart disease. How can we stop this epidemic, you say? Take those frowns and turn them upside down, because Jim Daley is here to turn it all around. The unemployed college grad has taken his "Engage The Core" mantra to the streets, and he is changing lives across the country. The program is so effective, it can make Christy Alley look good (okay, maybe it doesn't work that well). So if you're tired of being fat and smelling like Rosie O'Donnell, check out the video and maybe, just maybe, you can take a step towards leading a healthier, happier, less ugly life.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

The Onion: Kennedy Curse

'Kennedy Curse' Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker

Let's Build A Pompous Planet

IBM is a behemoth of a company. They are the second largest company in the world, the second most profitable, and employ over four hundred thousand people (I’m not one of them). Clearly they’re doing something right. But despite these accolades, they’re commercials are real douchey. They come off as pretentious, with a holier-than-thou attitude. They portray themselves as so “innovative”, “progressive”, and “sustainable”. These buzz words are hollow, obnoxious, and make them sound like George Clooney’s Oscar acceptance speech (http://clooneyclips.com/george-clooney-oscar-acceptance-speech-syriana/ ).

The most recent affront is IBM’s commercial concerning food supplies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv-Vc5XoDLY ). It presents some typical IBM’ers on how food gets spoiled en route and how IBM is making a “smarter planet’ by getting our rations to the table fresh.

Nice idea, but quit with the preaching.

We get it, IBM people are smart, but they don’t have to smell their own farts every time a commercial airs. Stop with the “sustainable” undertones; the dinner table in the woods, the chick tilling the farm, the blue collar truck driver shipping local product. IBM wants to show how they’re so in touch with the earth. Guess what? No one cares. You’re a company involved in computers and technology. Do your job and save the environmental business for people who really make a difference, like Paul Watson.

And don’t forget the multicultural peddling. Everyone in the commercial is of a different background or country, as if IBM engenders some sort of global utopia that envelops people of all nationalities and walks of life. Fine idea, but wake up kids, that’s not the real world. And to mention Norway, Canada, and Vietnam as the trendsetter’s? Did these people spin off the planet? Since when did the U.S., or any country for that matter, follow in the footsteps a Third World nation, a Scandinavian country which most people couldn’t point out on a map, and the neighbor to the north, America lite? And to top it off, the main character in this debacle is a guy with a fu-man-chu. He looks more like a kid-toucher in a YMCA than someone making the world smarter.

Maybe its just advertisement. Maybe I’m overly critical. Maybe I’m angry. And maybe I’m just simply unemployed. Be that as it may, IBM has to relax with their douchey agenda. Get off your high horse richies.

America The Painful

On a scale of 1 to 10, where does this rank on the Unintentional Comedy Scale? I say 24.

More Halloween Inspiration

If you haven't gotten in the Halloween mood yet, check out this chilling movie trailer classic...

Oops! I Ruined the Cowboys

As a proud member of the ranks of the unemployed, it is my utmost pleasure to welcome Wade Phillips to the club. Sure he's not there yet, but is there anyone in America trying harder to lose their job (besides Democrats)? After getting dismantled by the Giants tonight, the Cowboys are looking like the Titanic, and Captain Wade is going down with the ship.

It doesn't help the situation that he looks like he had a peepee accident in his pants every time the camera pans to him.  I heard Jason Whitten started calling him Fuller. Honestly, the man looks like he's one apologetic press conference away from senility.

The season is a disaster and all fingers (of the middle variety) point to him. The Cowboys lead the league in almost every statistical category, and yet they're still 1-5. That's coaching right there. It's like there's a race between Wade and Norv Turner for who can lose their job first. And if you believe for a second that Jerry Jones is going to keep Fuller, er, Wade around for next season, you are high. This is the same guy who fired Tom Landry. I'm sure he will have no issue kicking this perennial loser to the curb. John Gruden know's it too; he brought copies of his resume to the broadcast tonight.

I will, however, give credit where credit is due. It takes a special talent to take one of the most talented teams in football and make them an NFL doormat. And with John Kitna as the man behind center for the foreseeable future, I think Wade may need to invest in another package of Dipends.

Welcome to the club, Wade!

Overacting is For Chumps

I hate overacting. There’s something about it that really grinds my gears. Granted, they’re trying to portray a role to the best of their ability, but seriously, sometimes it’s downright offensive. Aren’t these guys supposed to be professionals, masters of their craft? It’s almost as if these people are trying to show the audience how “powerful” they are and in the process making themselves look like total jackwaggons (Thank you Geico). Come on fella’s, you guys pretend for a living. Some of you are good, some aren’t, but let’s not act (sick pun!) like you’re some kind of super-perceptive being. The most talented actors are good because you forget their acting; the other chumps are just compensating for sucking. Or they’re still pissed about getting shoved in lockers in Junior High.

In lieu of this rant, I will be, in no particular order, periodically posting some of the most classic overacting scenes in cinema history. Some of these actors are talented, but have a momentary lapse of acting-douchebaggery. Others are just tuuurible. Enjoy the clips and feel free to send some my way.

Overacting #1

Mel Gibson is a Wildman. When he’s not making badass movies, he’s assaulting women, making racial slurs, and starring in Foster’s ads while driving. He’s also trying to find his son.

Have you ever paid $765 for a beer?

"According to Scottish firm BrewDog, “The End of History” is the “strongest (55% alcohol), most expensive and most shocking beer in the world.”

Just 12 bottles were made and the company has already sold out. They will be shipped out to buyers in the United States, Canada, Italy, Denmark, Scotland and England next week.

The dead animals which were used to create the beers’ unusual appearance were four squirrels, seven weasels and a hare. All were roadkill, James Watt, co-founder of BrewDog, said defensively."

This shits gotta be crazy, I mean 55% alcohol content. I mean I already drink like 4 and half natty's and I am slurring my speech and looking like an idiot. I can only imagine what would happen if I drank one of these, my bet is I would probably die. And do you even see what you would be drinking out of, are you kidding me. Like I want to meet the brain child behind this plan. Like "Yeah let's go out pick up some roadkill and then put our concoction of bath tub moonshine in it and sell if for like $765." Pure genius, because I want one. And I think I can speak for every guy my age, think about it how many times have you walked into a buddies house and seen his "sick" beer bottle collection on his mantle or in his kitchen. So how impressed would you be if you came to my house and saw a weasel bottle right in between my Zima and my Corona Lime bottles. Like can Natural Light do something like this so I could have a shot at maybe getting one but maybe they could just sell like a 30 of Natty and the cans could be in old socks or something. I am currently adding up my funds to see if I can afford one of these masterpieces, and coming from a company called BrewDog, honestly sign me up guys. Sign me up right now. Can I buy stock in these guys?

Inspirational Poster of the Day

I'm Ron Burgundy?

Biden Invites Nation's Women To Tax Code Discussion At Private Mountain Chalet

San Francisco Giants

Alright so I saw my good friend here put up a piece about how the Texas Rangers were using some performance enhancing drugs and getting it done. Well I, as a Phillies fan, just recently enjoyed a shitty performance in the NLCS and watched the Phillies blow it verse the Giants. Well this is my piece on why the Giants will be rocking rings in a short amount of time. We can talk about all the great players of the Giants. So I can sit here and talk about how Cody Ross just absolutely dominated the postseason, or how Buster Posey who looks like a kid I beat up in middle school was doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, or I can talk about the Juan Uribe shot out of the park in the Bank. But I am not. There is one reason that the Giants were able to clinch the season and although it isn't steroids of the yayo as mentioned in my partners post, it is an entity all in its own. For those of you who don't know about Brian Wilson this is for you. This guy is a nut job, a certified wierdo. This guy is a mental assassin. Texas Rangers watch out, thats all I have to say! And watch the video you will see what I am talking about.

Steroids Are for Losers

Here's a piece for our World Series coverage.

Who cares about steroids anymore? All that talk about McGwire, Palmero, Sosa, Bonds, and A-Rod and their performance enhancement drugs. Yeah sure, they broke some records, but the bottom line is winning. How many World Series rings did they get when they were juicing? Zero.

The real wonder drug you ask? Cocaine. Although the Rangers haven’t won the ‘ship yet, you can’t deny that Texas’s abundant amount of white users has a strong correlation to winning. Josh Hamilton, their MVP, was notorious for riding high in his younger days. When he wasn’t crushing home runs in the park he was crushing 8-balls in the parking lot. Now he’s carrying his team to the Promised Land. He’s reportedly “clean”, but come on, he may substitute ginger ale for champagne, but no one snuffs out the Yankees without snuffing some blow in the on-deck circle.

Let’s not forget about Ron Washington. He calls his coke use a “weak moment” but at age 57, you don’t have a weak moment. When was the last time a coach failed a drug test? This guy parties hard and clearly has done so for a while. He’s the manager of the Rangers, the Pablo Escobar if you will, and he sets the tone. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this amateur video capturing Esco-Ron speaking to kids at an MLB outreach program http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvOD6HLMbA4&feature=related . Not only is he huffing in the dugout, but he’s helping everyone else get the “edge”. Notice how many South American baller’s they have? He recruits them for more than their talent. Remember when he went to the mound about thirty times in Game 1 against the Yanks? He wasn’t calming the pitchers, he was getting after that “rosin bag”. How else do you think Cliff Lee can throw 130 pitches and finish the game against the defending champs? You think that stain on his hat is from wear-and-tear? That’s just another “coaching tip” from Ron.

Everyone always points the fingers at steroids, but in reality, juicing is for losers. The real performance enhancers ride the white pony, and that’s why I’m confident the Rangers will be riding in the offseason with some rings.

Fear Fest

Like my good friend Karl has suggested below, I have enjoyed taking part in AMC's Fear Fest. So the other night i sat down cracked open some Coor's and decided to venture into the world of The House on Haunted Hill. Sure I have seen it and enjoyed it moderately, but what caught my attention, was the sequel. The Return to House on Haunted Hill aired afterwards, and though I had never heard of it I was happy to dive right in. Wow, that is all I really need to say. I did not expect much but it had the perfect making for a Halloween scare. I don't think the story was thought out as much, since they kind of just pieced it all together anyway they could. But, the cast was on point. It had all you could want, the nerdy professor, the hot girl who has no idea whats going on but wants to do whats right, the guy who loves the hot girl but is definitely going to get killed, and then basically like a swat team of ghost hunters (who you know are screwed) and a black guy. I enjoyed watching this movie just for the fact that they came up with the most ridiculous deaths I have ever seen. One girl went from having a 3some with two other girls to getting her face diced off by some demented doctor, and then some guy got pulled apart by sheets held by ghosts, I don't know. Anyways the whole time all I could think about was a solution to every horror movie. What is the one thing you see people doing in horror movies? That's right people doing exactly what you expect. If I were in a horror movie I would be what we call "the wild card." The crazy guy who you don't know what he is going to do and quite frankly you don't want to know, that's how crazy the wild card is. I think the wild card may be a solution for all of life's problems out there. The only problem it hasn't solved for me yet is unemployment, it didn't work in the last interview I was in. I slapped a stapler off the guys desk and set my left sock on fire. But I still swear the wild card works. Start using it you will see.

Howard

Howard Reslin

Howdy,

My name is Howard Reslin I was asked recently to be a contributing writer by some friends on this blog. I was asked mainly for the fact I am unemployed at the moment. I have a strong distaste for admitting I am unemployed, I was a prominent force in my local sanitation system the past couple summers and have even lent my experience in meat to the local grocery store meat departments. You are no man until you carve out the heart of an animal you would see at a petting zoo, I assure you that. Anyways I figured I would write a intro piece about myself so everyone knows what I am about. Well I just graduated from a fine academic institution last May, yet can't seem competent enough to find a job but besides that I enjoy sports, hanging out with friends, finding used containers of chapstick, and smelling used band aids. Uhm I hate how you have to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out, water, all knocturnal animals, and stupid hippy liberals. I also hate everyone born in February but that is for a different day. Anyways I am happy to be on the staff here and you will be hearing more from good ol Howard real soon.

Love,

Howard Reslin

Greatest Commercial Ever?

This has to be up there with one of the more legendary commercials in the history of advertisement.

Halloween Tip for the Funemployed

 If you're like me and you're too broke to do anything fun this Halloween, look no further than your trusty ol' television set. Grab some PBR's, sit back, and tune into AMC for their annual Fear Fest. 

No, I'm not joking, it's as amazing as it sounds. Every year for the two weeks leading up to October 31, AMC plays horror films non-stop. House on Haunted Hill 1 and 2, Halloween 1 through 19, Pet Cemetery, The Exorcist, Hell Raiser 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5; you name it, they have it.

I know, I know, it's almost too good to be true. But if you don't believe me, check it out for yourself. Want to see Jason Voorhees mutilate some teenagers who are drinking and whoring around in the woods? Well you're in luck, because Friday the 13th 1 through 34 is being aired.

Want to see Kevin Bacon get attacked by giant worms? 

You guessed it, Tremors is one of AMC's go-to's.    

    

I know it seems overwhelming, but putting in the necessary time is worth it. I haven't slept in 36 hours and I've never felt more in the Halloween spirit than right now. 

So if you're feeling a little creepy about trick-or-treating, or maybe you are at an age where you can be tried as an adult and egging a group of 9 year-old girls is a bad idea, or maybe your tired of trying to think of a funny costume that turns out to be a little inappropriate and offends members of a certain minority group, your Halloween savior is here. 

Warning: Try not to watch to many films alone, cause it can get pretty awesome.

Herbie Hancock

Quite possibly the most obnoxious commercial out right now is the new John Hancock Life Insurance ad's

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnNUXWaGJgs&p=67606EAB2A72A07A&playnext=1&index=5


I don't really need to see Moby instant messaging his boyfriend about their iffy retirement situation. If your future is that dubious and you really need a solution, how about getting out of the trendy coffee shop and getting a job. Is that really what you do all day? Stop complaining and be the lead man for a New Radicals cover band, or become Patrick Stewart's stunt double, or something. C.mon, there are plenty of lucrative opportunities for a man of your looks.

And also,  if you are going to sit there all day updating your Facebook status, how about turning the volume off on your computer, you ass. There are other paying customers there who don't need to hear Mr. Monopoly crying to his life partner about messing up the rest of his life.

Screw you John Hancock. And you too Moby.