Steroids Are for Losers

Here's a piece for our World Series coverage.

Who cares about steroids anymore? All that talk about McGwire, Palmero, Sosa, Bonds, and A-Rod and their performance enhancement drugs. Yeah sure, they broke some records, but the bottom line is winning. How many World Series rings did they get when they were juicing? Zero.

The real wonder drug you ask? Cocaine. Although the Rangers haven’t won the ‘ship yet, you can’t deny that Texas’s abundant amount of white users has a strong correlation to winning. Josh Hamilton, their MVP, was notorious for riding high in his younger days. When he wasn’t crushing home runs in the park he was crushing 8-balls in the parking lot. Now he’s carrying his team to the Promised Land. He’s reportedly “clean”, but come on, he may substitute ginger ale for champagne, but no one snuffs out the Yankees without snuffing some blow in the on-deck circle.

Let’s not forget about Ron Washington. He calls his coke use a “weak moment” but at age 57, you don’t have a weak moment. When was the last time a coach failed a drug test? This guy parties hard and clearly has done so for a while. He’s the manager of the Rangers, the Pablo Escobar if you will, and he sets the tone. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this amateur video capturing Esco-Ron speaking to kids at an MLB outreach program http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvOD6HLMbA4&feature=related . Not only is he huffing in the dugout, but he’s helping everyone else get the “edge”. Notice how many South American baller’s they have? He recruits them for more than their talent. Remember when he went to the mound about thirty times in Game 1 against the Yanks? He wasn’t calming the pitchers, he was getting after that “rosin bag”. How else do you think Cliff Lee can throw 130 pitches and finish the game against the defending champs? You think that stain on his hat is from wear-and-tear? That’s just another “coaching tip” from Ron.

Everyone always points the fingers at steroids, but in reality, juicing is for losers. The real performance enhancers ride the white pony, and that’s why I’m confident the Rangers will be riding in the offseason with some rings.