Yes

John Is Dead

I need another moral lecture from John Lennon like I need a bullet in my head. Don Bordeaux astutely points this out in his article posted on Cafe Hayek:

http://cafehayek.com/2010/12/john-lennon.html

But for all you people out there who love a good Beatles crying session, there's some good news for you! This breaking story from The Onion  will afford you the perfect opportunity to feel wounded and look like you are carrying a heavy burden, despite not even knowing the person who has passed.


Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral

Hopefully someone that you want to impress with your deep emotions will be watching. Quick! Someone is dying! Let's pretend we are personally effected and jump on the sad band wagon!

Who Says Journalism Is Dead?

Is this not the creepiest thing ever? Or is it awesome? I can't decide.

And as usual, Les Miles is cool under pressure.

Some Christmas Spirit For You

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy with Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly from Will Ferrell

Good Tune of the Week

Merry Christmas

Punk'd

Someone is getting back at Ashton Kutcher for getting punk'd, right? His agent? David Spade? Zach Braff? It has to be somebody, because that is the only way to explain Kutcher's recent career choices. His Nikon camera commercials are offensive.



Is there a bigger tool? Have people finally realized how terrible he is and decided to not give him anymore jobs? I guess the recession also hits Hollywood, because this is the worst collection of commercials out there, he must have nothing else to do. It's more pathetic than Bruce Willis' acting in Surrogates, not that good acting would have made that crap shoot any better. Clearly, he's just collecting a pay check. But there are several things that bother me about Ashton, and this commercial was just the tipping point.

Bruce did the movie for the
 incredible plot...and the free head rug.

First off, his name is Ashton. What were his parents thinking? They didn't even give the poor kid a chance, he was destined to become a tool. It would be like naming your son Jeeves; he would have no choice but to be a butler. But I'm probably letting him off the hook a little bit with the name thing because after all, it wasn't his fault. However, everything in his life subsequent to his naming is definitely all Ashton.

I'm ridiculing his terrible commercials, but it's not like he had a great career before that. That 70's Show had it's moments, but it was in spite of Kutcher. He wasn't even acting, he was just being himself: a dumb loser. If it wasn't for Laura Prepon (Donna), he would have been the worst character on the show ( I would have given it to him, but Donna is just to hard to look at). After his incredible performance on the sitcom, he made the jump to the big screen, staring in box office hits like The Butterfly Effect and The Guardian. (Don't tell anyone, but I actually found The Guardian watchable. But seriously, I never said that). Those were some of the the most bj movies ever produced. I can't even get started on The Butterfly Effect, what a piece of trash.

Good choice, Ashton.

Finally, in an incredible move, Ashton decides to marry Demi Moore. Yeah, she was hot, but about 30 years ago when she wasn't collecting her social security benefits. I imagined that his honeymoon went something like the scene in The Shining, when Jack Nicholson started making out with the bath tub chick in Room 237, only to have her turn into Willie Nelson mid-kiss. Oops! For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why he would marry a woman 20 years older than him. But as I was brooding about it, I finally realized something. I think Ashton knows how much he sucks, so he made a good business decision and married someone that could provide for him when he would inevitably be unemployable.

So I guess from that perspective, Ashton was being smart. But he's still a complete Hollywood loser. Nikon should drop him because there is no way having Ashton as the face of their product boosts sales. In fact, it may hurt, because I for one will never buy one of their cameras. Suck one, Ashton.

Welcome!

I would like to congratulate Josh McDaniels for finally joining the club and becoming an economic statistic with the rest of us. The former Bronco's head coach was laid off after two miserable seasons in Denver. What did you expect from a kicker?

Good Tune of the Week

Gotta love Q-Tip

A Black Friday Steal

Christmas comes early. Talk about an awesome stocking stuffer. Be sure to get one before they're sold out. First 1,000 buyers get a complementary flannel shirt and a 4th grade reading level.

Happy Thanksgiving

Have one on me, PETA.

Monthly Clip from an Underrated College Movie

Good Tune of the Week

Classic Bee Gees. Go ahead and listen, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

For more music check out Harold's music blog at http://gnarlia.blogspot.com/

"I like to be part of the solution and not part of the problem!"

Is there a more pretentious commercial out there than Nissan's Hybrid commercial featuring a polar bear?

I'm all for the environment, but I cannot stand these douche bags who buy Hybrids and think they are better than everyone. It's some how more smug than a George Clooney speech (http://pooralumni.blogspot.com/2010/10/making-pompous-planet.html) . It just screams elitism.

 First of all, those cars are really expensive. Not everyone can afford a car that costs almost $20,000 more than your average POS, only the enlightened liberal pussies who live on their parents trust fund. Secondly, just because you're an environmentalist does not make you a good person. In fact, it probably makes you a worse person. I can't tell you how many times I would walk through my alma mater and have some sexually-questionable girl tell me how I'm a bad person for not eating tofu burgers. These kind of people are the first ones to jump on an activist bandwagon, and the last ones to hold a door for you. How can you say that, Karl?! They're looking out for our future! They do yoga! They listen to the Decemberists! No, they're assholes who think they know what's best for everyone. It's people like them that are ruining the country. According to them, everything is relative, except the environment. 

Poor, defenseless creatures.

Another thing that really puts sticks in my craw is the polar bear. Everyone seems to be complaining about the poor polar bear dying because of the melting ice caps. Oh no! How am I going to get to work tomorrow?? (Thanks Adam). Lets be clear; it's a fact that the climate is changing. It's not a fact that we have anything to do with it. Most likely, we have nothing to do with it. The climate has been changing for billions of years for reasons like solar flares and plate tectonic movements. How can we say that because I drive a Buick Station Wagon, I'm causing the demise of the planet? We can't even predict tomorrows weather for certain, let alone next century's. It's BS, so don't try to make me feel bad that the polar bears are dying. Things die. It's a fact of life. Dinosaurs died. Dodo birds died. Ted Kennedy died (Too soon? Yeah, I didn't think so either). I had nothing to do with it so stop shoving it down my throat.

Furthermore, if we're really worried about animals going extinct, why not celebrate the booming fish and seal population in the Arctic. Now that the polar bears are being offed, the seals and fish can prosper without the interference of the carnivorous polar bears. Seems to me like there's a bit of a double standard. The fact is, it's nature. There's nothing we can do about it and trying to interfere would be unnatural.

Bearmanpig!!

Finally, let's be honest here. If that bear really traveled all the way from the North Pole, it would be famished. The first thing it would do is eat. The guy with the gay blue car and promise ring from his boyfriend would get ripped into pieces. The bear would tear his head off and eat through his neck. Fact. Everyone has this vision of polar bears as cuddly little stuffed animals. You want an inconvenient truth? That polar bear would grind that tools bones into dust and then go inside and eat his collection of cats.

So this is my message to all of you green-going pricks out there: stop telling me what to do. You don't know better than I do about my life so stop trying to be my moral conditioner. If you want to drive your Hybrid, drink out of your nalgene bottle, read the Rolling Stone, talk about Al Gore, and defer from showering, be my guest. Just leave me alone. I don't like any of you.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

Hey, it could be worse...

Congratulations!

I just wanted to be the first to welcome Brad Childress to the unemployed community. Don't worry, Brad. With your credentials, I'm sure you'll find a suitable job very soon.





Marvin Lewis, we're waiting for you.

Again, Thank You South Park

I know it's old, but seconds 0:22 through 0:47 make my life complete.

The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Craigslist Pick of the Week

Water Tester

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Date: 2010-11-11, 8:51AM CST
Reply to: see below

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Now Hiring
Water Testers
$2,000-3,000 to start
$4,000-5,000 Second Year
No experience necessary
H.S./College Preferred
Management opportunities
Will Train
Call
785-266-8440

It's official: the recession in Kansas is over. One of the most important economic indicators that analysts look at to gauge the direction of the economy is the Water Tester-to-Laborer Ratio. It shows the amount of people employed as a water tester per person eligible for work. When its down, we're in trouble. When it's up; bull market, baby. 

OK, I'll stop. There is no such thing as a Water Tester Ratio. I don't even know what a water tester is. In fact, I'm pretty sure the person who posted this job doesn't know what a water tester is. Where is the description? Is it really just someone who sits around drinking water and giving his opinion on it? If so, it sounds like the best job ever. You get paid a couple thousand dollars to get hydrated and tell people about it. 

You don't even need any experience! I just don't understand the education requirements and the training aspect. What possible education could one person have that would make someone better at this job? And what kind of "training" would you actually have to do? I'm pretty sure a fairly retarded dog could do this job, just ask Sarah Jessica Parker.

Water testing in Kansas is no walk in the park.

Well as you can see, I've been thinking about what this job actually is for way to long. I had to know. So, I did what any good researcher would do; looked it up on Wikipedia. What I found was astounding. I didn't realize just how dangerous water testing could be. Apparently in 2000, Bruce Willis' character from the movie Unbreakable tried to be a water tester, and the experiment almost ended as badly as the movie. Two years later, water testing employers began to outsource their labor. They employed the aliens from Signs and again, the results were disastrous (what does M. Night Shyamala have against water anyway?).

Since then, the water testing industry has been desperate to find people willing to risk their life to sip some water. I guess this is why the author of the post choose not to fill anyone in on the job description. It's just another ploy by the white man trying to get a buck at my expense. They can't earn money the honest way so they have to lure people in my economically shaky position to risk my neck to test their damn water. Those sons-a-bitches. Man, if Bruce Springsteen was here, he'd put a stop to these corporate fat cats. I'm boycotting this abusive industry; I'm never drinking water again.

Hope, Change, Chia Pets

Yes, this is an actual commercial promoting an actual product. If I needed anymore reasons to not like Obama, this is the clincher. There's almost too much to say. First of all, the fact that Obama is being compared to Lincoln and Washington is like comparing Shia LaBeouf in Wall Street 2 to Charlie Sheen in the original. It's an atrocity. I'm offended that there are people in this world who would even think that, let alone express that opinion via Chia Pet.

Bud "Effin" Fox

Let's do a little SAT practice. Lincoln is to Obama as The Godfather is to...Yep, you guessed it: Waterworld. "Hope and Prosperity"???? Where! I'm as unemployed as David Spade, where the hell is my hope and prosperity?? And since when did hope and prosperity become the criteria for being enshrined in a Chia Pet? Washington founded the nation, Lincoln freed the slaves, and Obama...hoped for prosperity? If we were a nation accustomed to celebrating good intentions and wishful thinking, every one would be driving a Segway. "Well it seemed like a good idea!"

And what the hell is a Chia Pet anyway? Are those things really still around? In a world of iPhones, GPS, and Crocs, how are these things still relevant? And what cruel, cruel bastard is going to give that to someone as a gift on Christmas? Scarier still, there actually will be someone who think's that's a good idea. I have to stop because honestly, words can no longer express the fury I feel.

I hate you Shia LaBeouf. I really hate you.

"All the News That's Fit to Print"

This has to be breaking the limits on The Unintentional Comedy Scale.

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/boehner-gives-freshmen-more-goodies/


And this too.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

Douche Bag with Chris Matthews

Not to get too political here, but there is nothing better than when a biased talking head gets made to look like an ass on national television. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is so sweet. In this clip, Republican Michele Bachmann is being interviewed after winning a seat in Congress, much to the chagrin of left-winged Matthews. Despite the victory, what really stole the show was the sign that some legend at the Ms.Bachmann's rally held up in the background.

Matthews and Olbermann sharing a shit sandwich on set.

The "tingle" refers to Matthews speech after the election of President Obama. On air, he got down on his knees and went to town on the newly elected Commander-in-Chief by saying that he would do anything in his power to make sure Obama's presidency works, and that he had a "tingle" in his leg from the results of the election. Ignoring the homosexual undertone of that comment, Matthews clearly showed just how biased, and gay, he really is. I don't know who that kid is at the Bachmann rally, but seeing Matthews and his partner Keith Olbermann (more on him later) with thumbs in their respective asses was one of the more rewarding experiences of my life.

And Rachel Maddow looks like a dog. An ugly dog. A really ugly dog.

Video Game Overacting

Someone please hire me.

Put Her Away

Pam working the sideline at last years Super Bowl.

I just saw the post game interview of Jason Garrett after his newly obtained Cowboys defeated the Giants. Story lines were plentiful: Wade Phillips fired, Garrett's first head coaching job, Jerry Jones is old. Despite a plot even more intriguing  than Speed, I could not enjoy the actual interview because I was to busy trying to shield my eyes from the creature they call Pam Oliver. The lady looks like an Orc. I don't know how she has a job. When it comes to sports broadcasting, you either have great insight into the game, or you're really good looking (Hello, Erin Andrews). In the case of Man Oliver, she possesses neither quality. And it's getting worse. She has a proceeding forehead and it looks like her neck has a neck. The bangs were a good career move though, really covers up her face. Hopefully next time I'm watching an interview, Alex Flanagan will be conducting it, and not the inspiration behind Pan's Labyrinth.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

Keep working hard and all of your wildest dreams will come true.

Blew-SC

On January 3, 2006, the Trojans of USC were considered one of the best teams in college football history. After going through the regular season and the PAC-10 conference undefeated, USC boasted the most prolific offense in the country, garnering All-American, All-Conference, and Heisman honors at several positions. But twenty-four hours later on January 4, USC started its metamorphosis from champ to chump.

That night, Vince Young and the Texas Longhorns beat the heavily favored Trojans at the Rose Bowl in the National Championship. Widely considered one of the best games ever, Young put on a Michael Jordan-like performance, putting Texas on his back and running all over USC. The Trojans had been the toast of the town for several years. People considered them the best team ever, celebrities would come to their practices, and the last two Heisman winners wore the Cardinal and the Gold. Beating them could not have been sweeter for the underrated Longhorns, especially Young, who finished second in the Heisman race.

Why, you may be asking yourself, are you bringing this up? Why beat a dead horse? Every one saw the game, it was cool, who cares? You want to know why? Because I hate USC. Tucked down there in Southern Cal, they all think they're so sweet. They smell their own farts and like it. Well, I am hear to shed some light on these losers. 

Ever since Vince Young took it to them in the Rose Bowl, the stars of USC, specifically their offensive skill players, have been the biggest busts. Let's take our favorite loser, Matt Leinart. After winning the Heisman in 2004, Leinart decided to forgo his professional career in the NFL and stay in Los Angeles for his senior year. Big mistake. After losing in the NC the following year, his stock draft dropped from consensus #1 to #10. Granted he was still a top ten first rounder, but he wasn't number 1. Leinart was drafted by the Cardinals, where he was supposed to be the immediate starter.  After a lackluster start, an old, washed-up quarterback in Kurt Warner was picked up by the Cardinals and promptly took his spot. With all those dance classes at USC, you would have thought he would have been smoother in the pocket. After a few more seasons in Arizona as an expensive backup, Leinart was finally cut in 2010. This clip pretty much sums up his career. Must suck to be the guy who peaked in college.

Reggie Bush is another all-star. First of all, his infamous lateral in the national championship was hilarious. Then, after winning the Heisman over Vince Young, Bush was drafted 2nd overall to the New Orleans Saints, where he promptly became a "scat back", which is a nice way of saying a punt returner. He's basically a poor man's Dante Hall now. OK, I'll give him credit for winning the Super Bowl last year, but c'mon, he was a marginal proponent of that at best. To top it off, he is injury prone. This season, he somehow managed to break his femur, which is one of the hardest things to do, almost as hard as getting your Heisman trophy revoked. Too soon? By the way, Bush won the Heisman by the most votes in history, second only to OJ Simpson. Coincidence? Keep this up and Kim Kardashian is going to be the bread winner in that relationship, never a fiscally prudent idea.


Who's next? Dwayne Jarret? LenDale White? Dominique Byrd? All of these guys were All-American/All-Conference players who were supposed to be studs in the NFL and what happened? Bust, bust, bust. Jarret was cut from the Carolina Panthers following a DUI arrest. White is fat, which, coupled with the emergence of Chris Johnson, was the reason why the Titans traded him to the Seahawks, where he dropped on the depth chart, tore his achilles tendon, and now sits at home watching his USC friends suck. Byrd was supposed to be the future at the tight end position, but after an average senior year, he was drafted to the Rams, cut, picked up by the Cardinals, and then cut again. Pro-Bowl here we come. John David Booty is up there too. Although he was not as highly touted as his Trojan contemporaries, JDB was supposed to be a good pro quarterback. But, after sitting behind Brett Favre, Tavaris Jackson, and Sage Rosenfels on the Vikings depth chart, he was released and now is as unemployed as I am. I would love to throw Mark Sanchez under the bus, but its a little too soon, even though he's still a tool. Steve Smith of the Giants is probably the only offensive player out of that 2005 Rose Bowl-losing team who is doing marginally well.

And let's not forget Pete Carroll. What a dork. Is there anyone luckier than he is? After sucking in the pros with New England, he moves to Southern California where he inherits a dynasty-in-the-making. Described by many as a "players coach", Carroll always seemed to be that hip, cool guy on the sidelines. "Don't worry bro's, lets just go out there and play some ball." Seriously, I could have done his job. And of course, once all the recruiting violations started hitting the fan, the players coach suddenly pleads ignorance and jets off to Seattle to become the Seahawks coach, while Reggie Bush gets vilified. Let's be honest, we all know Bush wasn't the master mind behind the infractions. But now that he's in Seattle, I'm sure he'll bring his college success to the pro ranks, right? No shot. He's just another one of those college heroes who couldn't hack it in the pros (read: Bobby Petrino). And he looks like Bill Maher. Screw you, Pete.

All-in-all, the 2005 USC Trojans were all talk and no taco when it came down to it. They blew it in the Rose Bowl against Texas, and then they all blew it in their professional careers. OK fine, maybe it's because I;m a little jealous. It's not like I'm doing anything sweet either or have ever had as much success as they have. I'm sitting in my basement judging guys who probably have a better life than I will ever aspire to, but you know what? I'm over it. I find some solace in taking shots at them when I can. They can have some, losers.

I Hate Hispters

Please ignore the fact that I am writing about my dislike of hipsters on a blog. Thank you.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

No Dice.

Parenting 101

A disturbing trend has rattled our nation to the core over the past few years. It's thee most prominent reason for broken homes, poverty, crime, failure of the public school system, liberal hippie douchebags, reality TV, Snookie, goths, Real House Wives, absurd youth sport coaches, My Super Sweet 16, college know-it-alls, narcissistic egos, Michael Bay movies, trophies for runner ups, and the Gyllenhaals. The root of these evils? Shitty, shitty parenting. It seems like nowadays, parents are shirking responsibilities; instead of being parents they want to be their kid's friends, the "cool parents", permitting their kids to run all over them. Or, parents are total dirt bags, acting more immature than their children, allowing their families to crumble. And this epidemic has no social class; it's apparent in the poorest neighborhoods and the richest households. These "mothers" and "fathers" consequently set a miserable precedent to their children, and the aforementioned atrocities occur. Maybe there's just more information around today, but think of how many parents are in the news effing up their's and their children's lives: Hasselhoff, Mcgreevey, Spitzer (this guy has a show?), Woods, Letterman, just to name a few. Say what you want, but these guys are real dicks. As a tribute to these legendary A holes, I will be periodically posting columns on the latest episodes of retarded parenting. To kick it off, enjoy this gem on having a pet with young children in the home.

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

Overacting #4

One of the rare instances of a movie that sports multiple overacting scenes while still remaining a cinematic feat. I don't know if it's Kurt Russel's impressive lip fur, the fact that Tombstone is just a badass movie, or because this movie pistol-whipped Kevin Costner's Wyatt Earp at the box office, but I love everything about this film. Sam Elliot, Val Kilmer, and Russel all rocking manly mustaches and killing people in the wild west? I'm sold. Enjoy.

Craigslist Pick of the Week

So if you couldn't tell, I am without a job. I have no source of income and it severely limits my ability to do anything fun. And when I say fun, I'm not talking about clubbing in the city or going on a ski trip. I'm talking about  the most menial amounts of entertainment,  like going to Blockbuster to rent a PG-13 movie, because my parents won't let me watch R films, on a Friday night and buying a case of Stroh's to drink in my parents basement by myself. You know, that kind of fun. But, sigh, I don't even have the funds for that.

In order to get some sort of income, I've been looking on Craigslist to find some odd jobs. As anyone who has ever gone on Craigslist, there is definitely some awesome stuff. So I have decided to implement a weekly post dedicated completely to the unique job opportunities at my finger tips. If you see anything you like, feel free to apply! But be aware, I am collecting finders fees.

Pick of the Week:

exp. tree climber wanted (mechanicsburg)

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Date: 2010-11-05, 6:07PM EDT
Reply to: job-je7jx-2044562037@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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looking for a tree climber with a minimum of three years exp. must have valid Pa drivers license and able to work monday thru friday 7 am till 3:30 pm . if interested please call lenk tree service at 717-766-8201. thank you for your time.please do not respond via e-mail. i am posting this for my uncle

• Location: mechanicsburg, pa
• Compensation: will be discussed at time of interview
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Only in Middle-of-Nowhere, USA will you find such a lucrative opportunity. It's a 40+ hour a week job and it's super rewarding. Not many positions in this life will afford you the opportunity to fulfill the dreams of a 5 year-old kid and a 40 year-old peeping-Tom at the same time. Although it's not listed in the job requirements, sex offenders are definitely encouraged to apply. If you want to find more jobs like this, just Google search "Kid Toucher". I would have thrown my resume out there, but I don't have the proper 3 years of experience to make me qualified.  Oh well, I guess I'll keep looking.

"Hey Peter, what's happenin'?"

I love Office Space, but clearly Ron Livingston has seen better days. Maybe he should have stuck with Initech, cause there's no shot he has a job right now.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

Drop the fork, kid.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Sweet TV

I am so effing unemployed. You know it’s bad when on a Saturday night you’re designated driving for your parents (although the DD may quickly turn to drunk driving after a few more Brooklyn Ales). You know what’s more depressing? Loving every second of it. For the first time since I was throwing poop out of my diaper, my house is empty. I’m sitting in my basement, housing some college sodas, and watching TV. I have no job, no prospects, no friends, and this is seriously the best night I’ve had in a while.

But you know what makes this night better? Football. And I’m not talking college football (although I enjoyed watching Nick Saban and his quarterback - who looks like the villain in Ghost - eat a deli-sized shit sandwich from Les Miles AKA Kurt Russel).

I’m talking Friday Night Lights, the television series. The show is incredible. I typically hate TV dramas, but this show really tickles me pink. My interest started with the bad-ass movie, and then was further piqued by Bill Simmons article “Please, help me keep the 'Lights' on” (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070919 ). But my curiosity got a real shot of methamphetamines when I got mono my sophomore year in college. I went home for two weeks and decided to explore some episodes. I was instantly hooked. Doctors said I slowed my recovery by a month; I was up until 3 am every morning watching the series. Worth every minute.

Not much has changed. I’m currently catching up on the 4^th season. Everything about it is cooler than me. One of the main characters, #33 Tim Riggins, is the coolest guy you wished you met. He makes The Most Interesting Man in the World look like Maggie Gyllenhaal. He was Matt Leinart when Matt Leinart used to be Matt Leinart. When he’s not golfing beer cans into a gorge or sleeping in a pickup in the desolate Texas landscape, he's driving down to Tijuana to get weird or hooking up with truckers wives and then beating their asses as if they were the adulterers. The guy crushes beers, crushes babes, and crushes it on the football field. He’s the James Bond of West Texas. Just check out how cool this guy is : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IvQGHSaPo0&p=513D270A6678405E&playnext=1&index=4 . Even trying to describe him is a fool’s task. Just watch the show.

Not only is Riggins simply awe inspiring, but the rest of the cast is entertaining as well. They’re the rug that ties the room together. The girls are all smoke (except for the baby Taylor. She’s a combination of an alien and Damien from The Omen). Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly) is just phenomenal. When she’s not knocking boots with Riggins on the show, she’s cutting a rug with Derek Jeter (Is it gay if I’m jealous of her?). Mrs, Taylor is a pleasure to watch, and I would be so lucky for my wife to look that good at 50. And Coach Taylor is just as cool. He’s come a long way from his days on Early Edition. He’s a solid actor, playing a very convincing coach and dad, which is tough to find in most cable shows. In addition, the McCoy’s are perfect douchebags. They do a great job of getting people to hate them. I legitimately dislike them as characters and hence, as people. If they needed a ride somewhere, I probably wouldn’t pick them up. That’s hatred.

And to really top it off, the show is about football, not the OC, or 90210, or other non-sweet plots. It’s about football in West Texas. Even the lame, chick-flick-esque aspects of the show seem completely enjoyable while mixed with a solid dose of the pigskin. It’s simply, purely, cool. Take my word for it and watch it. I guarantee if your unemployed, a little buzzin, and bored as hell, you’ll be saying “Texas Forever” by the end of the night.

Concussion, Shmishmussion

The only thing you hear about in football today is Randy Moss being a jerk, Wade Phillips being incompetent, Mark Schlereth being angry because he's Mark Schlereth, and the breakout of the concussion epidemic.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about players getting concussed. Roger Goodell believes the players need change the way they hit, James Harrison wants to incapacitate every body, and Deshawn Jackson still doesn't know his own name. There is no denying that concussions are a problem. The violent nature of the game makes it an inevitable, and unfortunate, side effect. Just ask Troy Aikman, he may remember. Maybe.

But what people don't seem to realize is that they aren't getting to the root of the problem. Players are bigger, stronger, and faster than ever before. The technology and training of a pro-athletes body has surpassed well beyond the bodies ability to stabilize the brain upon impact. Albeit, concussions have been an issue well before some of these freak athletes tossed around the 'ol pigskin, but it is apparent that in recent years, it has become much more of a problem.

So how do you solve it? How do you stop players from hurling their bodies at each other, head first, and literally knocking themselves out? Personally, I think we're all looking at the wrong ailment. The injury that should be under scrutiny right now isn't to the head, but to the triceps, biceps, and pectoral muscles. I'm talking about muscle tears.

To most, muscle tears seem like an obvious injury to guys who are working out with heavy weights and exerting an extreme amount of stress on their bodies during game play. What people don't see, or choose to ignore, is that a muscle tear is the biggest red flag for steroid use. Honestly, who rips their pectoral muscle?  Their bicep? Their tricep? I'm not a strong guy, but I've worked out before and I couldn't imagine lifting enough weights where I could literally rip my muscle. I wouldn't even be able to get a weight capable of that off of the rack.

According to Muscle and Strength (muscleandstrength.com) , muscle tears, among many others, is a major side effect of steroids:

The use of steroids can make a person feel stronger than they actually are, resulting in trying to lift heavier weights than their body is actually capable of, which can lead to muscle tears. The muscle can get stronger more rapidly than the strength of the tendons then a greater possibility of tendon rupture is likely to occur.

C'mon, who are we kidding here. Elvis Dumervil is a great example. A stud defensive end for the Broncos, Dumervil tore his pectoral muscle and is now sidelined for the season. Dumervil was the leader in sacks last seasons and is a physical specimen. Besides his natural ability, I wonder what gave him that edge? Dozens of other players have been put on the PUP this year because of similar tears and ruptures. 

Is this just a common injury like a hamstring pull or an ankle sprain? Unfortunate but unavoidable externalities of football? I have a hard time believing that. What other sport has as many muscle tears as football and steroid-ridden baseball? If you read between the lines, it's clear that concussions are only the effect, but steroids are the cause. Players are 'roid raging monsters who's job it is to kill the opposing team. We've got a bunch of Bosworth's running around. 


People like Troy Polamalu are furious about the fines dished out in football for dangerous hits because its "changing the game" and making it more like "soccer instead of football". This may all be true, but what guys like Polamalu, Goodell, and others don't seem to mention is its not the hitting thats necessarily an issue, but the steroids fueling the hits. 

In baseball for the past decade, players past and present are being vilified for the performance-enhancing drugs they took. The witch hunt turned Mark McGwire into Sally Field on live television in front of the whole country. Right or wrong, effective or pointless, the MLB went after steroid users. You won't see that in the NFL. Like James Harrison alluded to in his rambling, insane diatribe, changing the physical aspect of the game will change football. Polamalu said the same. The reason why football is the number one sport in America is because of the violence. People like to watch the big hits, the loud impacts, and the overall physicality. What drew throngs of people to the Coliseum in ancient Rome is the same thing that draws people to the stadiums. Human beings haven't changed. They want the action and football provides it.


How else do you explain guys like Shawn Merriman getting caught with steroids and only getting suspended for a few games? The NFL needs monsters like Merriman out there playing and getting the league huge ratings. The problem isn't concussions, its the physical nature of the game that makes football, football. Its the reason why every Saturday and Sunday in the fall, every man cave from the Atlantic to the Pacific centers their whole day around the game. 


The physicality puts people in the seats. Teams make money by putting people in the seats, so they get good players who can hit. These players get paid to do it. To get an edge that could lead to a lucrative contract, players take steroids to deliver those big hits. As a result, more hits, more muscle tears, and more concussions.They're positively related. Violence begets more violence. Goodell thinks fines are the answer. Harrison and Polamalu thinks it should be left alone. The fact is, they're both ignoring the root of the problem. Football is violent. That's the nature of the game and there is nothing you can do to change that, other than changing the game itself. The real issue is the steroid use that is taking football from the realm of physical to the realm of dangerous. 


Unless someone addresses this issue, the concussions will only get worse. The incentive is for players to kill each other so that they get that big contract, and so steroids will always be a  means to an end. As Steve Latimer said, it's all about the "place at the table". Steroids are a fact of life in sports. Unless people wake up and realize that steroids is just as much of a problem in football it is in baseball, or biking for that matter (thanks a lot, Lance), the concussion problem won't go away.

More Feedback on LBJ. Thank you South Park

Mysterion Rises
Tags: SOUTH
PARKEric Cartman,Mysterion,more...

Overacting #3

I used to love Harrison Ford. He was a badman. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan, Joe Gavilan. Wait, did I just write Joe Gavilin? Ford's character in Hollywood Homicide? The guy with the earring? Yeah, a little too limp-wristed for Han. Ford has dropped down a few pegs since that disgrace so, consequently, I have to highlight him and his legendary overacting in this awesomely bad classic.

Tool Time With Bill Maher

Tucked somewhere in between the third showing of Jumangi and Logjamming, HBO presents everyone's favorite show, Real Time With Bill Maher. At 10 every Friday evening, you can forgo going out with your friends and actually having a good time, and instead, spend an hour with one of the biggest losers that the 60's has to offer. His show basically consists of inviting a bunch of his hippie liberal friends (read: Ben Afleck, Michael Moore, etc.) and going back-and-forth about how awesome they are.

Actual excerpt from the show:

Maher: I hate gas-guzzlers! I like to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Matt Damon: Me too!

Al Gore: I know I haven't been relevant for some time now, but we are all so much smarter and super-er than every one else.

George Clooney: Americans are so narrow-minded. I wish we could just run the country so that every one could have a voice; except for conservatives, evangelicals, tea party people, anyone who believes in God, pro-lifers, rednecks, white people, people who eat meat, people who don't drive Hybrids, people who aren't in PETA, business men who work hard and make a lot of money, and people who think America is a great country.

Kathy Griffin: I don't know why everyone hates me?

OK, OK, maybe that didn't really happen. But then again, didn't it? Maybe not this blatantly, but doesn't Bill Maher just get his pretentious, douche bag friends to get together and talk about how they're so enlightened and everyone else is retarded? Man, they may be right, if it wasn't for people, this world will be so much better. Seriously, you're an ass. I could sit around and talk to my like-minded friends about opinions we have in common, too. Really ground breaking stuff here, Billy.

What a bunch of BJ's.  I don't need to get biased, terrible opinions from people whose profession it is to act, i.e. not live in the real world. Trust me, if I wanted to get an opinion on the economy or the war in Iraq, I wouldn't ask BearManPig or the guy who co-starred in Gigli.

Alright politics and terrible show aside, Bill Maher has a face made for radio. He may be the ugliest person in America. If he somehow found a woman (or guy?) to procreate with, his baby would look something like this http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=173_1184995866 . You want to talk about an unfair world? How about a guy who looks like Sarah Jessica Parker getting his own TV show and making lots of money while I'm still unemployed.

Bill Maher has his own TV show, Michael Bay is still making movies, and I can't even get an interview. Whatever, screw it, at least I don't look like the old goat from Oregon Trail.

Monthly Clip from an Underrated College Movie

"You wouldn't know a classy broad if she took a dump on your head."

If you haven't seen this 90's classic, you haven't been to college.

"One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."

I want to encourage everyone to get out there and vote. But for some of you, maybe it's best you stay in your coffee shop.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

More World Series Coverage

Gamechangers Ep 3: A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria from Hank Azaria

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

In the spirit of Halloween and our favorite Fear Fest.

A Real Funnie Video

Don't steal movies

So I am doing my daily look around the internet see whats going down. And I began reading an article about Limewire being shut down by a court injunction. I realize the problem here in stealing music and movies and I understand it is a crime, and I was fully on board with the argument until I saw this video that was also featured in the article.

I mean is this a serious animation to get kids to stop downloading the latest Sisqo song. You have got to be kidding me. It shows this guy just bashing some old woman's face in and stealing her purse, that is not on the same level as downloading "I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry" off of Limewire, I'm sorry it just isn't. And by the way, BP Execs are ok to spill Oil Tankers in the ocean and potentially ruin the environment, but kids don't steal movies.

New Microsoft Office Program

Overacting #2

Another disgusting display of overacting, this time by perennial douchebag Sean Penn. Spicoli may be spending too much time traveling to the Middle East, interviewing Castro, and hanging out with Hugo Chavez. When he's not being a hippie activist or playing Harvey Milk, Penn is screaming about his dead daughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx7jtL41Bts&feature=related

Why America is Dumb

So after reading my good friend Karl's piece on the fiery vixen known as Hannah Storm, I was intrigued and began researching important schematics, charts, and beakers to really examine the attractive female reporter. And although my hypothesis has changed I have reached a critical reason for why Americans are dumb. Have you ever been channel surfing through the weird channels you never watch just in case there is a possible re run of Fresh Prince of Bel Air or a Saved by the Bell you never saw, I know me too. Well have you ever stumbled across foreign news outlets, I have, and what have you noticed? Exactly they have some ridiculously hot chick reporting the news. I even watch for a few minutes because I am captivated by this syren, I don't understand a word she is saying but she fills out a blouse better than most. I mean if this could capture my attention then what about people from that country, I mean they got to be glued to that news broadcast cause they can even get news out of it. I mean I love America I am not saying that I don't, I would never say that, I bleed red, white, and blue. My name is Howard, thats American. But after investigation of my news channels, I don't want to look at Al Roker, Barbara Walters really doesn't do it for me, and Ted Koppel really only got my blood going once (it was an in depth piece on breasts, and guns, and nascar, and beer, and a lot of other stuff men like) I understand there is the occasional hot local weather girl, but thats not capturing my attention for the full time, and I see ESPN working in hot chicks, but they don't even need to. They broadcast SPORTS. I will watch it if they have Oprah Winfrey reporting a game naked spread eagle smearing butter all over herself. So hopefully we will copy other countries blueprints for successful news, and just start putting hot girls as anchors on broadcasts to up the viewer numbers. And included are some newscasters that other countries have.

It's Anchorman, Not Anchorlady!

http://deadspin.com/5674919/the-people-have-spoken-and-they-have-said-hannah-storm-always-dresses-mad-slutty-lol


Our friends at Deadspin really hit the nail on the head here. Ever since the Kornhesier episode last year, I've been following Hannah and her provocative dress. More often than not, she is dressed like she's looking for a good time. Even her last name is sweet, although after some extensive research on Wikipedia I discovered that "Storm" is only her stage name, and her actual last name is "Storen", significantly uglier. (Sidenote: Sage Steele's name is actually Sage Steele. That is so awesome).

I guess people can say whatever they want about her, but at the end of the day, she's a big reason why I still watch Sports Center.

More Halloween Inspiration

Jack Nicholson has a demon. The guy's a total legend. I don't know why but I'm loving the Shining right now.

Dream Job

So last night as I lay in bed I thought to myself what a dream job would be, as I do on most unemployed nights of mine. After attending boarding school and college my amount of friends around my home have diminished and I am left a lot of time to myself to ponder what really would be the best job I could ever dream of. I have dreamed of every job I have thought how great it would be to work in the entertainment business or how cool the sports world is. All these are so alluring with the money and the glitz and the glamour. But recently, I have been thinking of a job that goes unnoticed and doesn't come with all the bright lights. I have been thinking of course of a job with a television program yet a much more behind the scenes guy. I am talking about no other than the bait used for Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator." I know what your saying to yourself, "How does that seem like a dream job, you talk to perverts!" And my response is yes, I have to throw out a couple A/S/L? to some weird guys who live in their parents basement. But do you realize how much you could screw with these complete weirdos with over instant message. Like you could literally ask these guys to show up at your house with a 1992 Geo Metro filled with cream cheese and monkey shit in it and they're most likely going to be right over with that order. Like come on people I'd even throw in some grocery items and most likely some beer. Like if they think they'll be boozing some kid up for sex they'll probably have their mom run them over to your house even quicker. These are all great positives, but I think the icing on the cake would be the look on this dudes face when he's all pumped cause he thinks he's about to be getting away with all these illicit acts, the BOOM he walks into the house to find a 23 year old unemployed man just sitting there enjoying some Captain Crunch. Like that look alone would just complete this dream job. So I mean if NBC wants to throw me some bones I'll start hitting up the chat rooms pronto!

What Should You Do? Check Your Premises

If you haven’t seen it yet, check out Nike’s new commercial with Lebron James.

Damn Lebron, you’re really throwing a lot out there. Let’s break it down. Throughout the commercial Lebron asks “What should I do?” and continues in that vein, asking other related questions. At first, he seems apologetic, posing questions like “Should I admit that I’ve made mistakes?”, and then, in a more specific way involving Cleveland, asking “Should I tell you how much fun we had?” as his Witness banner is torn down.

But then LBJ seems to get defiant. He raises the questions whether he should think his reputation is tarnished, if he should play the villain, if he’s after money, or rings; and in the process he rips Sir Charles Barkley (due to comments made by Barkley about Lebron last summer), mocking Chaz’s early 90’s “I’m not a role model” commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMzdAZ3TjCA ).

Then he changes gears and sarcastically offers solutions to the issue, suggesting he should try acting, sell shoes, or simply disappear. Finally he wraps up with the clincher… “Should I be who you want me to be?”.

Bravo Lebron. That commercial was pretty entertaining (as Nike’s usually are). You stood your ground, defended yourself, made my main man Charles Barkley look like an a-hole, and basically said “I’m King James, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. You don’t own me.” In that respect, he’s absolutely right. It was his choice to leave Cleveland. After all, the only reason he was there was because some ping pong ball in a draft lottery in 2003 happened to land on the Cavs. He doesn’t owe them a thing.

But what Lebron doesn’t understand, and where the commercial fails, is that no one hates him for leaving Cleveland (except for Cleveland fans, but who cares about them, their city really does suck. Check out this tourist video if you don’t believe me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM )

A la Atlas Shrugged, if there’s a contradiction in your reasoning, check your premises. Lebron believes people hated him for leaving Cleveland, but they hate him for the way he did it, not because he left. He dragged not only the Cavs, but a dozen other teams, along all summer, tantalizing them with his potential interest in signing, only to burn them in his unbelievably arrogant and obnoxious “Decision” (although a lot of blame for that has to be given to his agents and managers. What team of monkey’s is guiding his life?). Regardless, you could see that he just loved the attention and limelight. Weighing his options you say? Go-Fish. He knew he was leaving Cleveland and it was obvious New York and New Jersey weren’t going to be picked. He was like the hot chick at the bar, flirting with dudes to get free drinks, knowing full well she’s going to go home to her husband. And because of the way he handled his free agency, he lost a lot of fans, particularly in the Midwest. As Bill Simmons said, Lebron better wipe the blood from his knife after he pulls it out of Cleveland’s back.

Check your premises Lebron, people don’t hate you for leaving. They hate you for the same reason you held that hour long “Decision”; for the same reason you made this new commercial; and the same reason I doubt you’ll get a ring. It’s because you’re arrogant. Once you reconcile that contradiction in your reasoning, maybe you’ll win back some hearts. But sorry “King”, the commercial didn’t work. The blood’s still dripping.

Obesity? A Thing of the Past

A 2009 study done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveal that "self-reported obesity prevalence in the United States was 26.7%." 2.67 out of every 10 people consider themselves obese (another 20% are obese as well, but they choose to eat their feelings and continue believing that they were 20 pounds underweight). Women in the nation accounted for almost 19% of the obese population, especially disturbing considering the amount of women who throw up after a dinner of spinach leaves and water.

The overweight problem in America is one of the leading causes of terrible ailments such as heart disease. How can we stop this epidemic, you say? Take those frowns and turn them upside down, because Jim Daley is here to turn it all around. The unemployed college grad has taken his "Engage The Core" mantra to the streets, and he is changing lives across the country. The program is so effective, it can make Christy Alley look good (okay, maybe it doesn't work that well). So if you're tired of being fat and smelling like Rosie O'Donnell, check out the video and maybe, just maybe, you can take a step towards leading a healthier, happier, less ugly life.

Inspirational Poster of the Day

The Onion: Kennedy Curse

'Kennedy Curse' Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker

Let's Build A Pompous Planet

IBM is a behemoth of a company. They are the second largest company in the world, the second most profitable, and employ over four hundred thousand people (I’m not one of them). Clearly they’re doing something right. But despite these accolades, they’re commercials are real douchey. They come off as pretentious, with a holier-than-thou attitude. They portray themselves as so “innovative”, “progressive”, and “sustainable”. These buzz words are hollow, obnoxious, and make them sound like George Clooney’s Oscar acceptance speech (http://clooneyclips.com/george-clooney-oscar-acceptance-speech-syriana/ ).

The most recent affront is IBM’s commercial concerning food supplies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv-Vc5XoDLY ). It presents some typical IBM’ers on how food gets spoiled en route and how IBM is making a “smarter planet’ by getting our rations to the table fresh.

Nice idea, but quit with the preaching.

We get it, IBM people are smart, but they don’t have to smell their own farts every time a commercial airs. Stop with the “sustainable” undertones; the dinner table in the woods, the chick tilling the farm, the blue collar truck driver shipping local product. IBM wants to show how they’re so in touch with the earth. Guess what? No one cares. You’re a company involved in computers and technology. Do your job and save the environmental business for people who really make a difference, like Paul Watson.

And don’t forget the multicultural peddling. Everyone in the commercial is of a different background or country, as if IBM engenders some sort of global utopia that envelops people of all nationalities and walks of life. Fine idea, but wake up kids, that’s not the real world. And to mention Norway, Canada, and Vietnam as the trendsetter’s? Did these people spin off the planet? Since when did the U.S., or any country for that matter, follow in the footsteps a Third World nation, a Scandinavian country which most people couldn’t point out on a map, and the neighbor to the north, America lite? And to top it off, the main character in this debacle is a guy with a fu-man-chu. He looks more like a kid-toucher in a YMCA than someone making the world smarter.

Maybe its just advertisement. Maybe I’m overly critical. Maybe I’m angry. And maybe I’m just simply unemployed. Be that as it may, IBM has to relax with their douchey agenda. Get off your high horse richies.

America The Painful

On a scale of 1 to 10, where does this rank on the Unintentional Comedy Scale? I say 24.

More Halloween Inspiration

If you haven't gotten in the Halloween mood yet, check out this chilling movie trailer classic...

Oops! I Ruined the Cowboys

As a proud member of the ranks of the unemployed, it is my utmost pleasure to welcome Wade Phillips to the club. Sure he's not there yet, but is there anyone in America trying harder to lose their job (besides Democrats)? After getting dismantled by the Giants tonight, the Cowboys are looking like the Titanic, and Captain Wade is going down with the ship.

It doesn't help the situation that he looks like he had a peepee accident in his pants every time the camera pans to him.  I heard Jason Whitten started calling him Fuller. Honestly, the man looks like he's one apologetic press conference away from senility.

The season is a disaster and all fingers (of the middle variety) point to him. The Cowboys lead the league in almost every statistical category, and yet they're still 1-5. That's coaching right there. It's like there's a race between Wade and Norv Turner for who can lose their job first. And if you believe for a second that Jerry Jones is going to keep Fuller, er, Wade around for next season, you are high. This is the same guy who fired Tom Landry. I'm sure he will have no issue kicking this perennial loser to the curb. John Gruden know's it too; he brought copies of his resume to the broadcast tonight.

I will, however, give credit where credit is due. It takes a special talent to take one of the most talented teams in football and make them an NFL doormat. And with John Kitna as the man behind center for the foreseeable future, I think Wade may need to invest in another package of Dipends.

Welcome to the club, Wade!

Overacting is For Chumps

I hate overacting. There’s something about it that really grinds my gears. Granted, they’re trying to portray a role to the best of their ability, but seriously, sometimes it’s downright offensive. Aren’t these guys supposed to be professionals, masters of their craft? It’s almost as if these people are trying to show the audience how “powerful” they are and in the process making themselves look like total jackwaggons (Thank you Geico). Come on fella’s, you guys pretend for a living. Some of you are good, some aren’t, but let’s not act (sick pun!) like you’re some kind of super-perceptive being. The most talented actors are good because you forget their acting; the other chumps are just compensating for sucking. Or they’re still pissed about getting shoved in lockers in Junior High.

In lieu of this rant, I will be, in no particular order, periodically posting some of the most classic overacting scenes in cinema history. Some of these actors are talented, but have a momentary lapse of acting-douchebaggery. Others are just tuuurible. Enjoy the clips and feel free to send some my way.

Overacting #1

Mel Gibson is a Wildman. When he’s not making badass movies, he’s assaulting women, making racial slurs, and starring in Foster’s ads while driving. He’s also trying to find his son.

Have you ever paid $765 for a beer?

"According to Scottish firm BrewDog, “The End of History” is the “strongest (55% alcohol), most expensive and most shocking beer in the world.”

Just 12 bottles were made and the company has already sold out. They will be shipped out to buyers in the United States, Canada, Italy, Denmark, Scotland and England next week.

The dead animals which were used to create the beers’ unusual appearance were four squirrels, seven weasels and a hare. All were roadkill, James Watt, co-founder of BrewDog, said defensively."

This shits gotta be crazy, I mean 55% alcohol content. I mean I already drink like 4 and half natty's and I am slurring my speech and looking like an idiot. I can only imagine what would happen if I drank one of these, my bet is I would probably die. And do you even see what you would be drinking out of, are you kidding me. Like I want to meet the brain child behind this plan. Like "Yeah let's go out pick up some roadkill and then put our concoction of bath tub moonshine in it and sell if for like $765." Pure genius, because I want one. And I think I can speak for every guy my age, think about it how many times have you walked into a buddies house and seen his "sick" beer bottle collection on his mantle or in his kitchen. So how impressed would you be if you came to my house and saw a weasel bottle right in between my Zima and my Corona Lime bottles. Like can Natural Light do something like this so I could have a shot at maybe getting one but maybe they could just sell like a 30 of Natty and the cans could be in old socks or something. I am currently adding up my funds to see if I can afford one of these masterpieces, and coming from a company called BrewDog, honestly sign me up guys. Sign me up right now. Can I buy stock in these guys?